Yesterday and this morning have been emotional to me. On my last post, I was very emotional about my surgery. I get that surgeries look nasty while they heal, I really do. But I am upset that #1 I didn’t have the wide area removal of all the lesions I had hoped for, #2 I have a small hole in my arm wound that I am worried about and it’s hurting more than before, #3 I have an itchy flare that is starting next to or on the top of my right groin surgery area, and #4 I have a surgeon who just doesn’t seem to care. The whole area around it is puffy, itchy, and red. There’s also a bubble forming on another area that I am not sure what it is. Maybe I am just overreacting. But, this surgery was my hope for some remission. I begged the doctor doing the surgery to take as much skin and go as deep as needed to get all the HS areas out completely. I know there is no cure and I know it can come back. He warned me of this. You have no idea that I am scared shitless of having a flare pop up and having more surgery. I am an emotional mess about everything. I just need to step back and enjoy my life a little bit.
Does anyone even care? I like documenting things for myself and to help me get my feelings out. It’s nice to look back and see how far I’ve come, but does anyone even care besides me about this page? I wanted to help and support others with HS and other chronic illness. But is it even worth having this blog up?
I have a passion for helping others and making change. But am I the right person to do this? I doubt myself every day. I guess that’s part of my depression and anxiety. I am having a hard time loving myself right now. I feel ugly and can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I feel worthless and not good enough.
Even though I feel the way I do, I will never stop spreading awareness, never stop being there for others, and never stop advocating for Hs education, research, and proper medical treatment. I am going to keep working on getting a local support group going with Hope for HS, going to keep blogging even if just for me, and I am going to keep working towards remission.
I let my emotions get the best of me yesterday and this morning. It helped to just shut everything off and spend time with my daughter, grandson, and her mother-in-law yesterday. Just 5 hours of doing nothing but enjoying life a little. Yes, the pain was still there and a reminder, but I had fun. That didn’t stop the things going on in the back of my mind, though. I woke up to arm pain and just feeling very sad. I don’t want my sadness and emotions to affect my relationships with others and I am just going to go away for a little bit. I will still blog, still work on awareness, and still help other who ask for help…but I am just going to step back for a second and deal with things on my own for a bit. I have to admit I almost shut down my blog, Facebook page, and everything because I felt so worthless this morning. But, I know that would be a stupid thing to do. If I could help just one person, that would make my day.